Walkabout
by Kestrel
Summary: Sirius has lived too long with his nightmares. Remus didn't know how to help him, Albus didn't understand until was too late. Sirius is now stuck, unable to go forward until he comes to terms with his bitter fears and grief. Slash.
1. Default Chapter

Walkabout

Spoilers for OotP and some slash. If you have problems with either of these, please leave. If you flame me for either of those reasons, I will not be very happy with you.

"I hate this, Remus! I hate feeling so damned useless!"

Remus Lupin watched his friend pace around the musty room in Number Twelve,

Grimmauld Place. He knew that Sirius was unhappy, yet he couldn't help but feel that Sirius was overreacting. Things were moving better than anyone had dared to hope. Harry was safe, the Order was being rebuilt, and people were feeling far more hopeful than was to be expected. So Sirius wasn't out and about, constantly in danger. Remus thought that that was an improvement from the last war.

"Sirius, you're not useless," he said, trying not to sigh. "It's your house we're using for all of our meetings, I'd say that's useful."

"No, Moony. That just means that I happen to own a large building. It has nothing to do with me." Sirius continued pacing. "I need to do something, Remus! I need to make a difference!"

"You are making a difference, Sirius! If it weren't for you, we'd still be scrambling about, trying to find a place for the headquarters. Just because you're not in the spotlight and all over the newspapers doesn't mean you're not making a difference!"

Sirius stared at Remus like he had never seen him before. He blinked a few times, then shook his head. His pale eyes met Remus' amber ones. "Is that what you think this is about, Moony? Fame?" He shook his head. "You really don't know me at all, then." He turned and walked away from the werewolf, heading for the solitude of the upper levels of the house.

Remus sighed and stood. He knew he had to follow his friend; it was his responsibility to keep Sirius from getting too upset. He couldn't help but be slightly annoyed by his friend's antics, though. He was acting like a child, Remus thought, throwing tantrums when things didn't go his way. Sirius' tantrums were more vindictive than a child's, though. He hurt everyone around him with his words.

He walked up the stairs to the master bedroom, where Sirius stayed with Buckbeak. It was where he went to hide, when he was feeling conscientious and didn't want to bring everyone else down with his moods.

Remus opened the door. "Sirius," he called. "Sirius, may I come in?"

"You might as well," came the gruff reply. "You've already interrupted my peace, why not come in and make it even worse?"

Remus resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Sirius had always been melodramatic, but it seemed Azkaban had made it worse, instead of maturing him some.

"Sirius, you're not useless. I'm sorry if that's what you think of yourself, but it's really not true. Nobody here thinks you're useless." Remus sighed. What he said wasn't entirely true, but it was true enough to make him feel justified in saying it.

Sirius looked at him. "Snape thinks I'm useless. He says so every time he comes here."

Remus let out a bark of laughter. "Since when have you cared what Snape thinks, Padfoot?" He asked, trying not to laugh too hard.

"I don't care what he thinks, dammit! It just irks me that he's right!"

"For Merlin's sake, Sirius, he's not right, and you're not useless! Stop this! You're being ridiculous!"

Sirius turned away, and Remus saw his back heave with the deep breaths he was taking. After a few deep breaths, Sirius turned to face him. He was smiling, if one could call it that. He moved closer to Remus, and wrapped his arms around the former professor. He put his head on Remus' shoulder.

"I'm sorry, Moony. You should just leave. You wouldn't have to put up with me then."

Remus stroked Sirius' long black hair. "It's okay, Padfoot. For all your flaws, I still love your company more than that of my dusty house."

Sirius moved his head so that his eyes were level with Remus'. "I love your house, Moony. It's wonderful." Sirius' face was close enough that his breath tickled Remus' face. Remus cupped Sirius' thin face with his hands. "What about the crazy loon who lives in that house, eh? What do you think of him?"

Sirius closed the distance in between them and pressed his lips to Remus'.

Their mouths moved together for a while, improvising a dance to the music that they had both known for so long. When Sirius pulled away, he whispered into Remus' ear, "The 'crazy old loon' in that house is what makes the house incredible. I love that 'loon' with all of my being."

Remus smiled into Sirius' hair. He inhaled the scent that he had loved since he was sixteen, glad that Sirius was here with him. He ran his hands up and down Sirius' back, making the other man shiver. Sirius had said he loved him. Remus had one reply.

"Prove it."

Remus backed Sirius towards the large bed. He could only think of one thing as he collapsed onto the mattress, Sirius beneath him.

'This is how it should be.'

Sirius lay in bed, his bare arms wrapped around Remus. They had made quite a mess of the bed with their activities; the sheets had taken up residence somewhere near the foot of the bed, and the blankets were twisted up and piled on top of the two of them.

He looked at Remus' sleeping form, wrapped around his own. Remus was smiling in his sleep. Sirius smiled to see the look on his lover's face. He was glad Remus at least was happy. He snuggled down further into the blankets, hoping that tonight he could sleep without the memories. His eyes fell closed, and he let himself relax. His mental fences slowly went down, and he thought that maybe he would really be able to sleep tonight. Just as he was almost relaxed enough to fall asleep, he felt the memories take hold of him.

"_You worthless boy! Bloodtraitor! You are no son of mine, you worthless, useless lump! How DARE you shame your family like this! A GRYFFINDOR! How could you?"_

_ Sirius cowered in front of his mother. He had been ordered home for Christmas in his first year, as he would be every other year until he left. His fears of being different from his family had been crystallized with his sorting into Gryffindor. Even his uncle Alphard hadn't been that different. Sirius' favorite uncle had been a Ravenclaw. His family had always treated him badly, that was just the way it was done in the pureblood families. Sons were supposed to grow up strong, they were expected to take anything that was thrown at them without blinking. _

_ Sirius' schooling in the art of aristocracy had started early. When he was four, his toys were taken away and replaced with books and lessons. By the time he was six and a half, he knew French and Latin, was working on Greek, and had started taking physical training from a master his parents had found. The man was like a dictator, drilling the young Sirius from dawn until noon, when his school lessons started. Under the master's tutelage, Sirius learned fencing, hand to hand combat, and something his parents considered "discipline." _

_ When he was seven, his training master started in with the 'real' training. _

_ When Sirius made a mistake, his master would ridicule and insult him for hours. _

_ When he was eight, Sirius made a mistake with his fencing. He left himself open for attack from the front, and his master attacked viciously. _

_ Sirius' collarbone was broken during that lesson, and when he cried from the pain his parents were ashamed of him. They said he was shaming the family with his cowardice. Why couldn't he be more like his father?_

_ When Sirius was eleven, it was time for Hogwarts. His family bought him all green and silver, and many things with snakes. The message was clear: "get into Slytherin or else." He had spent his first train ride to Hogwarts with his favorite cousin Bellatrix. Things had been lovely, until they arrived at Hogwarts._

_ When they had finally arrived at Hogwarts, Lucius had pulled him aside and told him that he "Wouldn't be surprised if you turned up in Gryffindor, with the other useless, pompous, do-gooders." Sirius had shaken his head rapidly and replied, "No! I won't! I won't be a Gryffindor, everyone knows they're a bunch of stuck up righteous pricks!" His high pitched little boy's voice pierced through the crowd, allowing many others to hear his tirade. Many of the heads in the crowd turned to glare at him, and Sirius knew he had managed to make enemies of the entire house of Lions on his first day. A short boy about his age standing near them glared at Sirius and walked closer. _

"_Do you have a problem with the house of my family, Black?" The boy spat. His glare was somewhat dimmed by his gold-rimmed glasses, but Sirius still felt that this was a boy he didn't want to cross. Yet, he had. He was caught between angering Lucius and angering this new boy with his steely hazel eyes._

_ In the end, he thought it would be better to ally himself with the older Lucius. He squared his shoulders. "Yeah, mange-boy. I have a problem with 'the house of your family.' You're a bunch of egotistical, feel good, happy-go-lucky idiots, with your heads so far stuck up your righteous asses you couldn't tell night from day if you tried. You're a bunch of Mudblood loving, freak breeding blood traitors!"_

_ The boy glared at him. "I see. Well, if that's how you feel, I know where you'll be. Don't expect any friendship from me, Slytherin." The boy turned and walked away. Lucius grabbed his collar and pulled Sirius close. "You would do well to avoid that one, Black. Those Potters are awful bloodtraitors, as you so well remembered. Fall in line with them, and your family will have all the more reason to despise your lousy ass." Lucius let go of his collar, causing Sirius to stumble. The older boy stormed off, leaving Sirius alone._

Sirius was completely lost to his memories now; he didn't know if he was dreaming of if he was trapped in some waking nightmare, all he knew was this had happened every night for over a decade.

_ Remus' eyes stared at him from the bed; cold, accusing eyes that reminded Sirius so much of his mother. He had thought that was a look he only got from relatives, but here he was, again impaled on the frozen sword of accusation by one of his best friends. _

"_Remus," he whispered. "Moony?"_

_ Remus just stared at him, not uttering a word. The amber eyes Sirius had seen so many times full of warmth and happiness were now frozen cold, and Sirius felt himself frozen in those eyes. He didn't think he could move even if he wanted to. _

"_Why?"_

_ The one word from Remus snapped Sirius out of his trance. The raven haired boy blinked, his lashes almost heavy enough to keep his eyes closed forever. A single tear fell from his eye. He could not force himself to look at his friend. _

"_I don't know," he whispered. "I wasn't thinking, I didn't think that Snape would actually go.... I.."_

_ Sirius looked pleading up at Remus. "I'm sorry." The words were spoken so softly, they almost went unheard. _

_ The hard amber eyes didn't melt at all. Remus' voice cut through his heart like a jagged knife. "I don't think you are, Sirius. You don't even understand why you should be sorry, do you?"_

"_I do!" Sirius protested. "I do, Moony, you just have to-"_

"_Have to? I have to? What exactly do I have to do, Sirius? I have done everything I can for you, and this is what you do to me in thanks? Betray me to Snape? I don't have to do anything, Black. But I think you have to get out of here now, or I will kill you."_

"_Remus...."_

"_LEAVE!! I don't ever want to see your face again! GET OUT!!"_

_ Sirius flew from his chair, staggering out the infirmary door. He came face to face with James and Peter, whose eyes were just as cold and unforgiving as Remus'. Sirius' eyes widened in horror. His mother looked out at him from the eyes of his friends. He bolted down the hall, away from his mother's accusing stare. He ran out into the pale frosted morning, out onto the Hogwarts grounds were he saw the sun rising. Its pale light fell on the frozen lake, and everything seemed washed of all color. _

_ Sirius turned around and around, looking for some color in the world. He turned until he fell to his knees, and grasping his long hair, he screamed wordlessly into the world of grey._

"NOO!!" Sirius screamed, both in his memories and in his bed with Remus.

Buckbeak's head snapped up and the beast stared at him. Remus jerked and rolled off the bed, taking the blankets with him. He sat up and craned his neck to look at Sirius, who was gripping his hair and screaming. Remus sprang onto the bed and grabbed Sirius' shoulders, shaking him.

"Sirius!"

Sirius' head snapped up, the joints cracking with the sudden movement. His silver eyes stared up at Remus, full of fear and sadness. Remus felt like he had been hit with a brick. He had never seen eyes so full of bitter emotions as Sirius'. Sirius' fear and grief seemed to pour out of his eyes into Remus. Remus moved his hands from Sirius' shoulders to cup his face.

"Sirius.."

"I can't remember, Remus," Sirius whispered.

Remus frowned. "Can't remember what?"

"I can't remember anything but the bad. Everything bad.."

Remus' eyes widened. He wrapped his arms around Sirius and pulled the shivering man close. "Nothing?"

Sirius shook his head. "Nothing."

"Oh, Sirius. I'm so sorry."

Sirius' shoulders shook. Remus was horrified to feel wetness on his neck; Sirius was crying. He pulled the now sobbing man to his chest and wrapped a blanket around them both.

"Shh.." Remus whispered into his lover's hair. "Shh.. We'll remember it all together, love. Shh.."

Remus rocked Sirius until he stopped crying, and then craned his neck to look Sirius in the eyes.

"Do you remember when we met, Sirius?"

Sirius shook his head. Remus smiled encouragingly at him. "Let's lie down, and I'll tell you."

Remus talked late into the night, holding Sirius close the whole time. He smiled when Sirius finally feel asleep, then tucked the blankets around them both and went to sleep as well.

Sirius sat alone in his kitchen. Remus had left early in the morning, before Sirius had woken. He had left a note on Sirius' pillow. The note read:

"_I'm sorry I have to leave, Sirius. Order business, I should be back within the day. Be careful, Padfoot."_

Sirius stared at the note. He wished Remus had woken him. He wanted to be something more than an obligation to Remus, more than something to be fixed when needed, then left alone until broken again.

He sighed, and stood up. He thought he should dust something, or maybe beat the dust out of one of the old rugs. While beating the rugs would be completely useless, it would make him feel better. He pushed his chair in and left the kitchen. As he walked up the stairs, contemplating beating the dust out of the Black family tapestry, he heard an animal scream from upstairs.

"Buckbeak? What on earth?"

He sprinted up the remaining stairs to his mother's room to see what was wrong. He opened the door and saw Buckbeak struggling to stand properly; on closer examination he saw the handle of a kitchen knife protruding from Buckbeak's left haunch.

"Buckbeak!" Sirius rushed towards the creature, making sure to bow before approaching the frightened animal. Buckbeak whimpered at him and laid his large head on Sirius' shoulder. Sirius wrapped his arms around the beast's neck, stroking the feathers there. "Shh, Buckbeak. It's all right. I'll fix it."

He moved around to examine the wound, Buckbeak's large orange eyes staring at him the whole way. He placed his hands on Buckbeak's back, near the wound, to make sure the creature wasn't going to maim him if he checked the wound. When

Buckbeak didn't move, Sirius moved his hands and looked more carefully at the injury.

It was one of the small knives, he determined. Probably a steak knife. Looking at it, he thought he could probably pull it out without risking Buckbeak bleeding to death. He met the animal's eyes. "Buckbeak, mate, this is going to hurt."

Swiftly, so the beast wouldn't guess what he was doing, Sirius braced one hand on the Buckbeak's back, gripped the knife in the other hand, and pulled it out.

Buckbeak screamed and bucked, kicking Sirius in the thighs and sending him flying across the room, knife in hand. Buckbeak glared at him from the other side of the room. Sirius glared right back. He felt like his legs were broken.

They stayed like that for a few seconds, man glaring at beast. Then, Buckbeak cocked his head at Sirius, and walked over to him. Sirius had fallen over and was lying flat on his back on the floor. He was thinking about trying to stand when he came face to face with Buckbeak. The creature stared down at him, then nudged his side with his beak. The message was clear: Get up! I have a hole in my side, fix it! Sirius grumbled and sat up. He felt his legs, and deciding it was safe to stand, got up. Looking at Buckbeak, he whistled. "Nice legs you got there, my friend. I thought you had broken my thighs for a moment there."

"Who broke your thighs, Sirius? I though that was a job reserved for me."

Remus' head poked through the door, grinning. When he saw the scene in the room, however, his grin faded. "What happened?"

Sirius held up the knife, and Buckbeak huffed at him. "This was stuck in Buckbeak's side. Kreacher, the little bastard. Couldn't be anyone else."

Remus sighed. "We really should do something about him, I think."

Sirius glared at him. "No, really?"

"There's no reason to get snappish, Sirius. I just made a comment."

"A comment I have been making since the moment I set foot in the moldy old hell hole."

"It's not that bad, Sirius. I lived in worse when you were gone."

Sirius opened his mouth to reply when a shout echoed from downstairs.

"Remus! Get your ass down here!"

Remus looked at Sirius one more time, then stormed off down the stairs. Sirius glared at him, wondering where the happy greeting had gone. "Well, Remus, I love you too," he muttered, then trudged down the stairs after him.

Sirius wondered what the hell was going on; the kitchen seemed to be in complete chaos.

"Tonks, you'll be covering the left side. Remus, make sure you don't forget anything. Kinsley, you know the drill." Alastor Moody was ratting off orders as though he was preparing for a battle. Moody looked up at Sirius as he entered the room. "Sirius, you stay here. Dumbledore's due any minute, you'll have to tell him we went to find Harry."

Sirius went white as a sheet. "Why does Harry need finding? If there's finding to be done, I'm coming."

Remus spun around. "You most certainly are not! What are you thinking? We're going to the Ministry, you'll surely be caught!"

"If I get caught, it'll be worth it! I promised James and Lily I'd take care of their son, I'm going!"

"No, you're-"

Moody stepped in. "Actually, it may be useful to have you along, Sirius. You were an Auror before Azkaban, I know, I trained you. Your kind of instincts don't go away, it might be good if you came. Use your dog form; though the Death

Eaters may know about it, the ministry does not."

Remus glared daggers at Moody. The man was known for crazy plans, but this was completely out of line. He opened his mouth to speak his mind, but Kinsley beat him to it.

"All right then! Everyone ready?"

The group minus Remus nodded, Sirius grinning from ear to ear. Remus scowled even more, and stormed after Moody. If Sirius wanted to get himself caught, fine. He would have to do it without help from Remus. He would ignore Sirius completely, and do his job.

Sirius was exhilarated; he hadn't felt this alive, this useful in years. Not only was he helping to save Harry, he was dueling with his god be damned cousin, Bellatrix. The two of them had been at each other's throats for years before Azkaban. Now, he was dueling with her again, and it felt just like the old days.

"Come on, you can do better than that!" Sirius yelled at his cousin.

It turned out she could. Bella's next spell hit him square in the chest.

Sirius felt his mind slipping away; the bitch had Stunned him. He knew that

Bella would kill him if he passed out, but he was more concerned about what would happen to Harry if he was out of the fight. He fell backwards, worrying about what would happen in the time before he woke up, but he didn't have long to wonder before he was engulfed in darkness.

Sirius came around slowly. The first thing he noticed was his legs hurt like hell. What the? Oh yes! Buckbeak kicked me, damn him. He wondered if he should open his eyes. He was almost certainly back at Grimmauld Place, doubtless with Dumbledore hanging over him, waiting to tell him off. Once Dumbledore was done, Remus would probably have a go at him, then not speak to him for weeks. Sirius thought that staying asleep might be the wisest course. He settled down to go back to sleep.

"Sirius Black."

Sirius shifted. Okay, now, that was not the voice of anyone I know. Have I been caught? His eyes flew open at the terrible thought. He looked around and saw... Nothing. This only served to further his panic.

"You are Sirius Black?"

"Yes!" His voice cracked. "That's me! Sirius Black!"

"There is no need to panic. We mean you no harm."

"We? You're a we? What's we about you? I can't even see one of you, how can there be a we?"

"Calm yourself, Sirius Black. We are here to show you who you are."

"Show me who I am? I bloody well know who I am! I thought we had established that!"

"Do you? Do you remember yourself as you used to be, Sirius?" The voice was less ethereal now, more human sounding. Sirius turned around, trying to find the source of the voice.

"Do you remember us, Padfoot?" Sirius turned, and found himself face to face with James Potter. His jaw dropped, and his mouth worked. He tried to speak, but no sound came out. He finally managed a wheezed "James."

James nodded. "Yes, Sirius."

Sirius stared. "James. How did you get here, where are we? James..." Sirius stepped closer to his friend and reached out to touch him. He tried to grip his friend's shoulder and was horrified when his hand went right through. "James! What is this?"

James shook his head. "Not yet, Sirius. It isn't your time."

"It wasn't your time either, but you still died! Why! It's not fair!"

"Few things are, Sirius. You must simply accept that it was my time, and leave it be."

"No.."

"We are not here for me, my friend. We are here for you."

"What do you mean, here for me?"

"You are here to remember, Padfoot."

A.N. CLIFFY!!!!! Woohoooo!!! Anyways. This will be continued. (duh) Please review? It would make me happy......... 


	2. Chapter One

Walkabout

 The house was cold. Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place was always cold. It was located in an expensive, extravagant part of London where only the richest lived. Every house glared down at the visitors in cars and on the sidewalk, disapproving of the unknown, untrusted rabble disrupting their noble existence. The only trees in the neighborhood were the viciously pruned, stunted decorative trees that the residents allowed to grow as display pieces. The houses did not have back yards, rather they had courtyards, walled off from their neighbors by high stone walls. There were small spaces in between each house, where a man could walk if he didn't mind the oppressive silence of the houses around him.

   Number Twelve was one of these houses, but most people would never know of it. Unlike the other houses of Grimmauld Place, Number 12 was home to a wizarding family. Not just any wizarding family, but the Blacks, one of the oldest and most respected families of the wizarding world. Also one of the most feared. Even the youngest of wizarding children knew not to cross the Black family. The Blacks held even more power than the Malfoys in the government; to challenge or irritate them would be virtual suicide. The current Minister of Magic owed his office to the Blacks; many members of the Wizengamot owed their positions to Black favor.

  No non-wizard would ever find Number Twelve, indeed, most wizards would never find it. Thanks to ancient spells laid down over hundreds of years, it was impossible to find Number Twelve on any map. Only those who knew the family could find the house. Its cold front was deceptively innocent. Unwelcome visitors would never get past the first three stairs to the front door. The door itself was locked with hundreds of locks, and many spells and hexes. Only the Blacks could open this door, and then only for a select few. The Blacks did most of their socializing outside of their stronghold, usually at one of the other Black households.

  Only the core of the Black family lived in Number Twelve. Trajan and Augusta Black were the heads of the family, commanding their relatives like monarchs would command their subjects. They were often away, in one of their many town houses across Europe and Russia. When they went away on family business, they left their two sons, Sirius and Regulus Black, at Number Twelve with some worthy caretaker.

   Such was the situation on August 14, 1970. Trajan had been called away to Paris, and Augusta had gone with him, faithful wife that she was. Sirius and Regulus had been left with Maira Malfoy, a strict old woman, a pureblood widow with no children. It was high noon, and unbearably hot out. Yet Sirius and Regulus still toiled with their trainer, Master Cyran. Master Cyran was a physical trainer, whose job it was to teach the Black boys the ancient art of chivalry. He was now focusing mainly on Sirius, who had always been the more promising of the two sons. He fenced with the tall eleven year old boy, drilling him mercilessly. The boy had been sick recently, but he had continued with his training as though nothing was different. His face was much paler than usual, and he had lost weight. He still fought, though. His family expected it of him.

  Sirius stumbled slightly, leaving his side open for attack. Cyran slammed the practice sword into his side, knocking the boy to his knees. Regulus guffawed, turning red with mirth while sitting on the sidelines.

  "You'll have to do better than that, brother!"

  Cyran scowled down at Sirius. The boy was still on his knees on the ground, his sword now lying forgotten next to him. Cyran's eyes narrowed.

  "Get up, boy. Go. You have classes, and I have no more use for you."

  Sirius stood, head down. He walked from the courtyard into the house. Up the main stairs, through the big hall. Turned left at the end of the hall, walked up the spiral staircase. He opened the door, entering his room. He closed the door, then slumped against it, sighing. He lifted up his shirt to see a large bruise forming where Cyran had hit him. He tried to take a deep breath, and winced as his side screamed in protest. He figured he had broken the rib, but he doubted anyone would check. Those around him very rarely noticed anything about him. They knew him, yes, but they didn't know who he was.

  Sirius sighed again, looking around his room. He had been moved to the tower room when he was seven, when he had been caught watching the Muggle children out his window. He had been beaten and moved to the room at the top of the house. He looked around.

  The spiral staircase was an architectural oddity, it made one think he was going to a tower room, when really it led to the attic at the top of the house. Sirius liked his room, because though it was less grand than his brother's, it was bigger. His were the only wooden floors in the house, and there were windows all along each wall. The ceiling was slanted with the roof, but Sirius didn't mind that either.

  Sirius liked his room mostly because his family hated it. None of his family would follow him to his room unless they were really angry with him. Sirius admitted to himself that they were really mad at him a lot, but he felt safer in his room than he did anywhere else in the house.

  He laid himself down on his bed, which was a fine bed, though not by the Black standards. It had black silk sheets, and a large black and green down comforter folded at the foot. His bookcase stood at one end of the room, a desk at the other. A rug covered part of the floor under his bed, keeping his feet from freezing during the winter.

  Sirius sighed again. _I should be eating lunch,_ he thought. _But I'm just not hungry._ He hadn't eaten since breakfast the day before but he hadn't really noticed. He had been too distracted. _My Hogwarts letter should be coming soon. I wonder what it will be like, being away from home._ He turned over to lie on the side that didn't hurt, staring at the wall. _Probably not much different. I'll be a Slytherin, no doubt, and they're all like my family. _

 He knew that his family thought he didn't belong. He wasn't like the other purebloods his age. Not like Narcissa, who was always seeking to please her family. Not like Severus, whose studies had led him to have a life goal at the age of eight, and who was now well on the way to achieving that goal, even though his first year of formal schooling did not start for another two months. He was not like his brother Regulus, whose charm and wits had earned him an early place in the Black family, and who was eventually hoping to become a lawyer.

  Nor was Sirius like his cousin Bellatrix, for which he was grateful. Bella was devilishly smart; the whole family was proud of her. She knew amazing amount of history, having learned the history of the Black family perfectly by the time she was six. Her knowledge of the history of the Dark Arts was formidable, for one so young. She was not yet practiced in the Arts, but Sirius had no doubt she would be.

  What most of the family did not know about Bella was her after lesson activities. Sirius used to play with her, when he was younger. They had gotten along wonderfully; he and Bella had loved to imagine themselves in new, interesting places on grand adventures. Things had gone beautifully between the two until Sirius was nine.

  A stray dog that lived near Grimmauld Place had given birth to a litter of puppies. One day, when Bella was over, Sirius had gone outside after a Latin lesson to play with her. She had snuck up behind him, and told him she had a surprise for him. Bella led him to an alley, and told him to close his eyes. He waited while Bella prepared something. When she told him to open his eyes, he nearly threw up. She had found the puppies, and she had cut two of them open. One of them had clearly been burned, while one was whimpering, many of its bones obviously broken.

  Bellatrix had turned to him, her eyes gleaming. "Isn't this a good game, Sirius?" She had asked. Sirius had shaken his head and run away from the scene, to cry under the covers of his bed.

  Sirius shook his head as he lay on his bed. _No,_ he thought. _I don't belong with my family at all._

  His parents were almost constantly furious with him; at least when they were home. He was eleven years old, and he still did not have a clear idea of what he wanted to do. It wasn't that he wasn't smart; he was very intelligent, a match even for Bella. He simply was not focused. He excelled in everything, yet had no real motivation to follow any one path. His parents found this infinitely disappointing. "Why can't you be more like Severus?" they asked. He had heard this question for years, and it had driven him to despise the other boy.

  There was another factor in his parents' hatred of him. Sirius had a dangerous love for fiction, and he had always been something of a dreamer. When he was supposed to be doing schoolwork, he would be daydreaming, thinking of the stories he had read about great adventures in far away lands, dreaming up his own stories and living them inside his head. He loved animals, and he loved people. People of all sorts. His fascination with people had led him into Muggle neighborhoods more than once. The last time he had interacted with Muggles, his parents had beaten him senseless and locked him in his room for a week.

  Sirius sighed again. He had only wanted to know what it was like to live a Muggle life. He had only wanted to see whatever it was his family hated so badly. He couldn't understand it. They seemed the same as him, except for the fact they couldn't do magic. He wanted so badly to understand others.

  "Sirius! Get down here, NOW!" The voice pierced through his reverie. He wondered what he had done this time to make Mrs. Malfoy shriek at him. He stood up gingerly, not wanting to jolt his ribs. Walking down the stairs, he tried to think what he done this time. Could it be the baby birds he had hidden in his room, where he could feed them until they could fly? He didn't think anyone knew about them. He continued wondering what he had done wrong as he walked into the drawing room, keeping his face carefully neutral.

  "Your letter." The older woman thrust the letter at him, a stern look on her face. Sirius took the letter, recognizing the Hogwarts seal on the front. He wondered why the delivery owl hadn't delivered the letter to him, then shrugged it off as unimportant. He opened the letter carefully, reading what it said with a sort of apathy.

  This letter signaled the start of a new life for Sirius. He would leave his house, his family. He would start his schooling, surrounded by his peers. Even those who his parents would gladly see dead; the Muggle borns, half-bloods, and the bloodtraitors. He wondered why instead of feeling excited, or maybe afraid, he felt only a mild disappointment.

  "Now Sirius. I know I don't have to tell you the importance of your Sorting into a decent house. Slytherin. My boy, you are the heir to the Black family. You must uphold the family honor, and be Sorted into Slytherin. You have no idea what an embarrassment it would be to your parents if you were Sorted into, say, Hufflepuff. I wouldn't put it past you; you've always seemed weak to me. However, for the sake of your family, you must get into Slytherin. Do you understand me, Sirius?"

  Sirius had been expecting the long rant. He knew he would get many more of the same next six weeks or so. He looked up at the woman who was watching over he and his brother this time. "Yes, Madam. I understand."

  The woman nodded curtly. "You may have the afternoon off, boy. Now, off with you. I have things to do."

  Sirius trudged back up the stairs to his room, still holding his letter. When he got to his room and had safely closed the door, he sat down on the bed and looked at the letter again.

  "I've been waiting for you since I was little, you know," he told the letter. "I've been looking forward to this time for so long."

  He sighed. He thought he should be more excited than he was. He'd been waiting so long, why did it feel like he had just lost something important?

  Sirius flopped down on his back, his arms spread out on either side of him. He'd been waiting for the Hogwarts letter for so long, and now he had it. He had what he had been looking forward to for years, he supposed now it was time to find something new to anticipate. That was what made living with his family bearable, after all. If he had something to look forward to, he would be fine.

  Sirius wracked his brain, trying to think of something he could anticipate. To his dismay, he could find nothing. There was nothing in his future that he felt would be terribly exciting or worthwhile. He would be Sorted into Slytherin, make the friends his parents wanted him to, follow the path his family set for him. Sirius, as the heir, had very little choice in his future. He would do what his family said, and there really wasn't much left after that.

  He laughed quietly to himself. How fun his life would be. He was to be a slave to his family the rest of his life. He had always been a slave to then, he supposed, but now the stakes had gotten much higher. Now he stood to lose what little support his family had for him. If he failed, they would turn to Regulus.

  He sighed and stood up to get a book off his shelf. He thought he would read for his free afternoon. He and King Arthur had people to save, lands to rebuild. He smiled. He loved reading.

  When his parents heard that Sirius had gotten his letter, they finished their business in Paris and quickly headed back to London. Three days after Sirius had gotten his letter, both his mother and his father arrived home, with the house elf toting packages behind them.

  Sirius was very excited. His parents had never cut short a trip for their children. Not even when Regulus had pneumonia, or when Sirius had been poisoned in an attempt to remove the Black heir from the scene. Yet they had come home from France a week early this trip.

  In light of this new excitement, Sirius and Regulus had been excuse from their lessons with Cyran. They were given the morning to prepare themselves for their parents. Sirius broke his personal code and ate breakfast, Regulus stuck to his older brother hoping to bask in the reflected glory. Sirius' acceptance into Hogwarts was no small thing. While the family had known both children would be accepted, it was still a great thing for Sirius to receive his letter.

  Sirius waited in his room after lunch, his brother for once staying quiet and reading one of Sirius' many books. Sirius sat on his bed, waiting for his parents to call for him.

  Soon enough the family house elf Kreacher enter Sirius' room. "Your father and mother await you, Master Black." He said. Sirius stood and walked out of his room. To an outsider, he would have seemed like a person headed to a meeting with a monarch, not a son headed to his parents.

  He entered the sitting room, where his mother and father waited for him. Trajan Black sat in a regal wing chair in the center of the room, his dark purple robes arranged around him perfectly. His shoulder length black hair was pulled back in a tail at the base of his neck, emphasizing his sharp cheekbones and his stormy grey eyes. His eyebrows cut over his eyes, divided his face with mathematical precision. The trademark gaunt cheeks and sharp chin of the Black men finished the sharp sculpture that was Trajan's face, a sculpture that was mirrored in Sirius.

Augusta sat to the left of her husband wearing a white dress in the finest of silks. Her black hair was braided back in intricate patterns against her head, with golden cords interwoven in the braids. Her glittering eyes shown down at her son from her seat. Sirius' mother was an incredibly intelligent woman. She had once had ambitions in Transfiguration research, but those ambitions had been put on the shelf when she was promised to Trajan in marriage.

  "Hello son," Trajan said. "We have returned from Paris to congratulate you for your acceptance to Hogwarts. Do you have anything to say?"

  Sirius bowed his head to Trajan. "Thank you father, mother. I am most honored by your interest in my schooling. I am deeply glad to see you returned home, and I hope that you will be staying for a while."

  Augusta nodded. "We are glad to be home. We have been away too long. You have grown since we last saw you, my son."

  Trajan spoke again. "I am sure you understand that your position requires certain things of you, Sirius. As the heir of this family, we expect more from you than from your cousins or your brother. It is very important that you not be a disappointment to us, Sirius. It would reflect badly on the family if you were to do something unexpected. You have many generations of tradition to uphold, Sirius. It is imperative that you do not disappoint us. The family is depending on you. When I am gone, my responsibilities will be passed to you. So it is written in the book of Black, and so it will be. If you disappoint us now, by being Sorted into an inappropriate house, or displaying ignoble behavior at Hogwarts, we will be forced to take some you some unpleasant actions to rectify the situation. Do you understand?"

  Sirius nodded. "Yes father. I understand."

  "Good. We expect you to be Sorted into Slytherin, of course. There is really no other acceptable house. We will expect you to have good grades. Your first year and second years at Hogwarts will determine a lot about your character. We will expect you to work hard, and associate with the right people. There will be mudbloods at Hogwarts, nd you will unfortunately have to suffer exposure to them. However, we expect you to avoid unnesacary contact with their creed. Also, we expect you to avoid the blood traitors, such as the Potters, the Weaslys, and it might be best to avoid the Bones family as well." Trajan leaned forward to look at his son. "Do not disappoint me, Sirius."

  Sirius looked down again. "Yes father."

  His father nodded to him. "I expect you to be ready to go to Diagon Alley tomorrow morning. I will find a suitable escort. You may go."

  Sirius turned and left. He wished he could have talked to his mother. She had grown more and more distant from him over the years. He sighed. At least he could look forward to going to Diagon Alley the next day.

Sirius lay sprawled on his bed, the afternoon before he would be going to Hogwarts. He couldn't remember a month of his life where he had been lectured more often. His parents had come home and lectured him about upholding the family name. Then all of his aunts, uncles, and older cousins had come to tell him how important it was he act up to the standards set by the family. The Malfoys had then added their words of wisdom, telling Sirius how important it was to the wizarding nobility that he behave well. Even Lucius, who was just entering his fifth year of Hogwarts, had lectured Sirius on the difficulties of being the heir to a major house.

  He looked down at his wand, which hadn't left his side since he had bought it a month before. Hawthorne and dragon heartstring, and thirteen inches long. Sirius had stayed in Ollivander's for hours, trying to find the right wand. When Sirius had finally found the right wand, he flicked it and turned the chair in the corner into an iguana. His family told him that he must have talents in Transfiguration.

  Sirius sighed. It wasn't like it mattered where his talents lay. Regardless of what he could do, Sirius was to become the leader of the Black household. Whether he was good at Transfiguration, or his talents lay with the circus, it wouldn't matter. Sometimes he wondered why his parents even bothered sending him to Hogwarts. They could just keep him home and teach him the Dark magic they wanted to, along with the endless lessons in aristocracy.

  Sirius turned his head to look at the dress robes he was to wear for dinner tonight. His family had invited his cousins and several friends of the family to a party before sending him to Hogwarts the next morning. Bellatrix, Andromeda, and Narcissa would be there, along with Severus Snape and Lucius Malfoy. Regulus was extremely excited. Sirius quite frankly couldn't care less about the dinner, he knew it would just be another opportunity for the adults to lecture him. He hoped something would explode, so he wouldn't have to sit through hours of people telling him again and again his duties to the family and the people.

  Sirius' glared at his dress robes for the occasion. Made of black silk, with a high neck and long sleeves, Sirius thought they would make him look exactly like Dracula, a vampire character in a Muggle book he had read once. He dragged himself off of his bed to put the robes on. His cousins would be here soon, and he would have to be ready for them. Shucking off his deep blue robes, he squirmed his way into the black robes. Looking at himself in the mirror, he found that his suspicions were correct. If he had pointy teeth, he would look exactly like Dracula.

  "You look very noble, young Master." The mirror told him. Sirius rolled his eyes.

  "Sure, I look noble, if you think that evil is the same as noble. I look like Dracula."

  The mirror huffed at him. "I had a boy once, looked rather like you. Little Tom. He looked noble as well."

  Sirius sighed. "I'm sure you did, mirror. Now, if I can leave?"

  The mirror huffed again. "So rude. You would do well to take a leaf out of Tom's book."

  Sirius rolled his eyes and walked out of his room. His cousins would be here soon, and he didn't have time to waste with the mirror. 

  "Sirius! Get down here boy! Your cousins are here!" His mother's voice hissed up the stairs at him. Sure enough, his cousins were there. Narcissa stood off to the side, wearing a pale rose gown with her fine blonde hair piled on top of her head. She didn't even spare a glance at Sirius; she was bursting to study the Black Family tree again. Bellatrix, however, was very happy to see Sirius.

  "Sirius!" She squealed. "How very good it is to see you, my cousin! It has been long since we saw each other!" She dashed forward to hug him tightly. Sirius looked down at his cousin's curly black hair. "Bella," he wheezed through crushed lungs. "I can't breath." 

 Bellatrix giggled again and released him. She stood in front of him hold her arms out. "What do you think of my new dress, Sirius? Isn't it a lovely color?" She twirled, causing the dark red velvet to swirl around her. "Daddy thought it was pretty. He said it brought out the blood in my cheeks."

  Sirius nodded. "It's lovely, Bella. Truly."

  The family moved towards the dining room. Sirius moved to sit at the small table set off for the children, but his father motioned to him.

  "You will sit with us tonight, Sirius. You are going off to Hogwarts tomorrow, you are no longer a child. You may now sit with the adults."

  Sirius swallowed and walked to the seat set for him at the large table. His father was gesturing to the seat to his right. Sirius' mother had taken her seat at the other end of the table, with Bella, Narcissa, and the mother of the two surrounding her. He sat down next to his father and looked across the table at his dinner partner.  He flinched inwardly. Sixteen year old Lucius Malfoy sat across from him. As Lucius' dinner partner, Sirius would be expected to speak civilly to the older heir. He and Lucius had despised each other for as long as Sirius had been old enough to attend his parents' parties. They were the heirs of the two most powerful pureblood families in England; they were expected to compete ferociously for the most powerful political positions.

  Lucius smiled coldly at him from across the table. Sirius forced himself to smile back at the blonde boy. He suppressed a shudder; this evening would not be pleasant.

  After the dinner, the younger diners were released to their own devices. Bellatrix cornered Sirius almost immediately, full of chatter about the dinner.

 "Wasn't that lovely, Sirius? Our first formal dinner, with the adults! It was lovely. Severus was my dinner partner. He's so intelligent, Sirius. He's brilliant, exactly what a young heir to a pureblood family should be. He set an example for all of us. Don't you agree, Sirius?"

  Sirius resisted the urge to sigh or run his hands through his hair. "Yes Bella. I think he's a wonderful example. He fits himself exactly into the mold of an heir. His parents must be proud."

  "You do not sound approving, Black. Might I remind you that it is even more important for you to fit in your 'mold?'" Lucius looked down on the two young Blacks. "I trust you have grown out of your childish fascination with the Muggles, Sirius?"

  Sirius smiled bloodlessly at Lucius. "What use do I have for Muggles or Mudbloods, Lucius? I have deeper concerns than the scum of this earth."

 Lucius nodded curtly at Sirius. "Good. That is a proper response. You may yet make a good Chancellor, Black."

  Bellatrix scowled. "He won't be Chancellor, Malfoy. Sirius will be Minister, and _you_ will be his underling. You don't stand a chance against my cousin, you overgrown peacock!"

  Lucius was silent for a moment, then he tilted his head back and laughed. "Very good, Black. Your," he paused, examining his fingernails. "_Female_ cousin must defend you. Perhaps I should look for a close friend and underling with more backbone. Like Severus, for example." Lucius turned and walked away from the two, towards Narcissa Black.

  Bellatrix looked up at Sirius. "I think you'll do well, Sirius. I think you're more than a match for that piece of scum."

  Sirius smiled at his cousin. "I'm glad you think so, Bella."

  The curly haired girl looked at him gravely. "Sirius?"

  "Yes Bella?"

  "You.. You might try being more like Severus. He really is a wonderful example. It might be good, if you followed his lead at Hogwarts, at least for a while."

  Sirius' nose twitched. "I see. Thank you for your advice, Bella." Sirius walked away, his black robes billowing behind him. He scowled towards Lucius and Narcissa; just his luck get stuck with the most irritating of the Black sisters. He loved Bella, very much. However, he despised Narcissa and her haughtiness. He wished Andromeda was still part of the family. He envied her freedom; she had left the family when he was about six, to marry a Muggle born wizard. He was very happy for her, but he missed her presence at these noble functions. She had really lightened the mood.

  "Hello Black." Sirius whipped around to face Severus Snape. He sighed inaudibly. Of all the people he wanted to avoid, Severus was near the top of the list. The other boy's cold black eyes bored into Sirius' pale grey eyes.

  "Hello Snape. It is.. Pleasant to see you again."

  "Don't lie to me Black. You'd rather I be on the other side of the planet, and I would like to be as far away from you as possible."

  Sirius was startled by the blunt statements of his rival. "This is true. We hate each other. This does not explain why you are standing here talking to me."

  Severus continued glaring at him. "We will both be going to Hogwarts tomorrow, Black. With our backgrounds, we will most likely both be Slytherins; perhaps Ravenclaws. It might be profitable for us to put aside our childhood animosities."

  Sirius nodded. "I see your point." Sirius eyed the other boy. "What do you suggest?"

  "I suggest we make an alliance, of sorts. We study together, we stay near each other. We watch each other's backs. You realize there will be many out to slander our names; we must prevent this. I am not suggesting we be _friends_, I am simply suggesting we not let our childhoods force us apart. We cannot be divided now, in this time when those horrid liberals are suggesting we let _werewolves_ attend school like normals. We cannot allow those around us to divide and conquer us."

  Sirius nodded again. He was mildly surprised; he had never heard Severus utter such a long speech. "You are correct, of course. An.. Alliance, as you call it, would be quite profitable. Are we agreeing to put the past behind us, then?"

  Severus held out his hand. "We are. It amazes me even now, but we are agreeing."

  Sirius took Severus' hand and shook it. "Good. I'm glad."

  Severus nodded curtly. "As am I."

  "Severus. It is time for us to leave now, child." Serena Snape, Severus' mother, looked between the two of them.  "I am surprised, and proud, to see the two of you speaking to each other civilly."

  "We have decided to ally ourselves, Mother. We shall study together."

  Serena nodded, and Sirius saw where Severus inherited his curt nod. "That is a good plan. It is a strong alliance."

  She turned to Severus. "It is time for us to leave, Severus." She inclined her head to Sirius. "We shall see you tomorrow, Master Black."

  Serena swept out from the room. Severus met Sirius' eyes. "Thank you for your hospitality. Until tomorrow." Severus gave a slight bow, as was traditional for a young man leaving an Heir's presence. Sirius bowed his head slightly, showing that he accepted Severus' farewell.

  Sirius was relieved to see them go. Once one family left, the others would soon follow. He would be able to go to bed, and get some rest before the train ride tomorrow. He resisted the urge to run his hand through his hair. He wasn't sure he could sleep before tomorrow, but he could at least spend one more night in his bad before he had to sleep in the Slytherin dormitories tomorrow.


End file.
